Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize