onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
