Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
