My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
