So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
