This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
