I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
