Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The adults are the big ones right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
