where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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