Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
