But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
