Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
