my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
