You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
