I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize