I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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