I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize