I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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