On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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