just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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