I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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