Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
