A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
