Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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