My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize