Don't make out with my wife yet
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
