I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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