No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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