i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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