Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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