i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
