she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
