at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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