I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
