my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
