remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
