I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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