Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
