So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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