I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
