don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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