Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize