the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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