Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
