why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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