just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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