Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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