____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
