Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
