Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
