Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
