how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
