Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
