the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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