When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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