I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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