Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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