i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
