He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
