I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
